Papi, when I die, will you be alive?our four-year-old asks between bites of beans.All day I’ve fled my body—now, arrive:throat quaked raw. The same familiar scene.

Our four-year-old asks between bites of beans,Is candy from space? How big is sadness?Throat quaked raw, the same familiar scene:legislation now metonym for madness.

Is candy from space? How big is sadness?How many lives, I wonder, are worthlegislation? Now: metonym for madnesslike my clutched gut moments after his birth.

How many lives? I wonder. Our worth?I guard my loves with hope I don’t believe,like my clutched gut moments after his birthmade a minefield. I weigh the odds. I breathe.

I guard my loves (with hope I don’t believelike God). I surrender my son to this worldmade a minefield. I weigh the odds. I breatheas if it can protect him, his lips curled.

Like God, I surrender my son to this worldfor mercy. After Uvalde, we prayas if it can protect him, his lips curled,I barter with karma. Use faith to pay

for mercy. After Uvalde, we preyon loophole, Bible verse, worst self, & fear.I barter. With karma, use faith to pay for more time, as though The End is Near

on loop. Whole Bible vs. worst self & fear,some dads buy a gun, like a prayer reprievefor more. Time, as though the end is near:the hours offer little space to grieve.

Some dads buy a gun like a prayer reprieve.All day I’ve fled my body—now arrive:the hours offer little space to grieve.Papi, when I die, will you be alive?