Pop quiz: Who was the best attorney general during Trump’s first term? The answer is former toilet bowl salesman for the well-endowed, Matt Whitaker. Trump’s first attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was an unreconstructed racist who had one good moment (when he recused himself from the investigation into Trump’s dismissal of FBI Director James Comey) but otherwise weaponized the Justice Department against vulnerable people. His third attorney general, Bill Barr, was a devious monarchist whose wackadoodle theories about executive power exempted Trump from any level of accountability. Jeffrey Rosen was Trump’s last attorney general, and he was fine for the few minutes he was in charge, but Rosen barely fought off a challenge from Trump sycophant Jeffrey Clark, who almost overthrew the government after Trump lost the 2020 election.

In contrast, Whitaker, who was the acting attorney general between Sessions and Barr, merely did what he was told. He was a nonentity, a person with neither the will, vision, nor power to do anything other than what Trump ordered him to do during his brief time at the top. The attorney general is not supposed to do the bidding of the president, especially when the president is a criminal, but Whitaker, at least, did not come up with additional evil of his own.

As we look towards the second Trump administration, I did not dare to hope for another Matthew Whitaker as head of the DOJ. The MAGA bench is deep with frightening individuals who understand the immense power of the DOJ and are eager to deploy it against Trump’s enemies, their own enemies, the free press, and vulnerable people across the country. These people include functional Klansmen, who are just itching to get their hands on the FBI and would revel in bringing prosecutions against any Black person who dissents from their rule.

But in the first bit of good news since the election, Trump announced that his pick for Attorney General is Florida Representative Matt Gaetz. Given the universe of likely options, I will take Gaetz as AG any freaking day.

Current Issue

May 2025 Issue

Matt Gaetz is an unserious person. He’s not known as being particularly savvy; he’s not a calculating man who knows how to maximize power, like Barr was. He’s not an inside operator with powerful friends, like Jeff Sessions was. He’s not even a dedicated Christian warrior like former attorney general John Ashcroft, or a constitutional scholar like former acting attorney general and Republican super-lawyer Paul Clement. He’s just… a guy. A “bro.” A creepy dude who allegedly shares pictures on the House floor of women he’s had sex with. The DOJ is the most powerful and dangerous executive branch—the institution that can be weaponized against average citizens’ basic domestic freedoms—and Trump is handing it to a guy who cannot fully comprehend the terms of service of his Venmo account.

Don’t get me wrong, unserious people can be very dangerous, especially when given power. Pennywise, the clown from the horror movie IT, preys on children while hiding in the sewers—and, well, Matt Gaetz reminds me of Pennywise. He can do incredible damage to the entire nation with the power of the DOJ.

Moreover, Gaetz is wholly beholden to Trump. Traditionally, the attorney general maintains independence from the president. Gaetz will not. Whatever Trump wants, Gaetz will do. Whatever Gaetz thinks will make Trump happy, Gaetz will provide. The point of making Gaetz the AG is to ensure that the Department of Justice can never even raise an objection to any of Trump’s democracy-destroying plans.

But the reality is that literally anybody Trump was going to appoint as AG was going to be what Gaetz is: a loyalist clown show. Loyalty is the only qualification Trump has for any of his cabinet positions. Loyalty is always the primary thing weak men pretending to be strong men care about. Abraham Lincoln famously wanted a “team of rivals” in his cabinet. Trump wants a team of sycophants. The only room Trump is comfortable in is one where everybody kisses his ass. Trump was always going to appoint a committed loyalist to the only institution that has the power to stop him from breaking the law.

Gaetz fits the requirements of being a Trump bootlicker, but he brings… nothing else to the table. I’m telling you, if Gaetz is the AG, the country will have dodged a bullet. Gaetz will do what Trump wants, nothing less, but he won’t do very much more. Nothing in his record suggests the kind of political creativity, or technical legal skill, necessary to fully weaponize the awesome and terrifying power of the DOJ.

Some wonder if Gaetz will be confirmed. He is not well liked, or respected, by other Republicans. These Republicans have acted as if Gaetz—who was under investigation for ethics violations in the House until he abruptly resigned yesterday to pursue the AG nomination—crosses some “red line” for them in terms of the leeway they’re giving to Trump’s cabinet appointments.

I do not believe them. First of all, it tells you all you need to know about establishment Republicans that they’re throwing a hissy fit about Gaetz (almost entirely because they don’t like him personally), and not any of the other wholly unqualified sycophants Trump has announced for his cabinet—like Fox News pundit Peter Hegseth, professional grifter Tulsi Gabbard, or Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and his brain worms (assuming Trump follows through on his promise). Second, if you think that the sexual misconduct allegations somehow disqualify him, I’ll just remind you that all of these Republicans voted for Trump even though he’s an adjudicated rapist.

But more important, even if these Republicans honestly don’t want Gaetz to have power because of their personal feelings about him, it won’t matter. Trump owns them and their party. Establishment Republicans are weak and craven. They will do what Trump wants them to do. Spare me the stories about Senator Susan Collins’s ever-deepening concern meter: Nobody intelligent pays attention to her useless protestations anymore.

Gaetz will either be confirmed outright, or Trump will adjourn the Senate and make a recess appointment. Once in power, he will prosecute people like Hunter Biden (side note: Joe Biden should pardon Hunter now and be done with it). He will file lawsuits against universities for their “wokeness” if he’s told to do so and go on television to make nonsensical arguments about why. The DOJ will do nothing to prosecute domestic terrorists—if those terrorists are white. It will do nothing to protect voting rights. It will do nothing to hold cops or police departments accountable for unconstitutional racial profiling. It will do nothing to protect women, or, with Gaetz in charge, girls.

But Gaetz probably won’t come after the free press as aggressively as some other potential AG picks (beyond, that is, whatever Trump tells him to do once The New York Times or CBS displeases him). His record suggests that he’s not a huge fan of the surveillance state, which means that he’ll probably go toward dismantling the FBI instead of J. Edgar Hoover–ing it and hiding wiretaps in all of our houses. And, unlike some of the Christofacists running around here, I don’t think Gaetz has a particular cross up his ass about recreational drug use.

And don’t forget, Gaetz has never prosecuted a case, as far as I know. Having a “top prosecutor” who has never led a major prosecution is a gift if you are worried about whom the new administration is going to prosecute. Remember, attorney general isn’t just a patronage position; it’s a very difficult job that Gaetz, clear as I can tell, is wholly unqualified for. Gaetz will be entirely beholden to the professional attorneys working under him, and while those people will certainly be terrible and have all the prosecutorial skills Gaetz does not, it’s still better to have an AG who doesn’t actually know what he’s doing than one who does know how to push forward the evil.

Matthew Gaetz is the worst pick for attorney general—except for all the others. He will be terrible, but terrible in a predictable, buffoonish way. Given the alternatives, this is literally the best I could have hoped for.