Washington, DC—Two hours into the Rescue the Republic rally, Matt Tune, one of the event’s organizers, came on stage with a desperate plea: “I’m here because we need help. We’ve got a few hundred thousand dollars left to make our goal.… You see our QR code?” Tune craned his neck to look at the screen behind him: There was no QR code.

Tune promised that the QR code would take us to his GiveSendGo page would pop up any minute. “We are at $274,000 raised… but I’m going to tell you right now, Tulsi Gabbard, Russell Brand, and RFK Jr. I’ve told them not to come out unless we raise another $100,000 in the next hour.” Tune compared the rally to South by Southwest and Bonnaroo. He claimed that the rally had the “greatest” musical acts and comedy, so we should be willing to pay like we were going to Lollapalooza.

“Freedom! Ain’t free!” Tune yelled, before walking off stage.

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Sunday’s Rescue the Republic was a rally of the canceled, of the unorthodox, of the self-declared independent thinkers. In addition to former representative Gabbard, the comedian Brand, and RFK Jr., it headlined the psychologist Jordan Peterson, the broadcaster-turned-conspiracy theorist Lara Logan, Republican Senator Ron Johnson, Pizzagate promoter and Trump 2024 associate Jack Posobiec, convicted January 6 participant Brandon Straka, and the rock band Skillet. The speakers were mostly anti-vax, anti-war, and pro-Trump, but the event’s larger mission was unclear, with many of the speakers and musicians having little in common. Without a cohesive message, the rally became a chance for everyone to go on stage and complain. The crowd, which I’d estimate hit a high of about 1,500 people, often seemed bored.

Many of the same people who organized Rescue the Republic were behind last year’s Rage Against the War Machine. Despite what seemed like a clear anti-war theme, that rally, too, was a muddle of grievances. (The day before Rescue, there was a RATWM 2.0 rally, which was attended by several dozen people.)

Rob Schneider, the winner of the 2005 Razzie for Worst Actor for his role in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, was the first of three emcees. He mostly told tired jokes about the Clintons or Covid-19. It seems unlikely that Rescue raised an additional $100,000 so quickly, but just seven minutes after Tune’s threat to withhold her as a speaker, Schneider introduced Gabbard. “This is someone who knows how to wear a white pantsuit,” Schneider said, unable to avoid making even his introductions a little creepy.

Gabbard, who contended for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination and served in Congress as a Democrat for four terms, talked about being targeted for standing up to power. She said she cared about peace—though she’s been a keynote speaker for Christians United for Israel, a notoriously hawkish pro-Israel group. Gabbard lamented US involvement in Ukraine, but was silent on US aid to Israel. “A vote for Kamala Harris is a vote for Dick Cheney!” she said, before reminding us that she endorses Donald Trump.

After Gabbard, British rapper Zuby performed his song about his temporary suspension from Twitter for misgendering activist Emily Gorcenski in 2020. As he began to rap, a few rally goers packed up their belongings and headed for the exit.

“You’re going to miss Zuby!” I told a group of men as they left the designated rally area. They laughed. “It’s Zuby! He came from the UK! Are you really going to miss this?” I asked a couple who were carrying away their chairs.

Later, another musician named DPAK had technical problems, which the audience patiently sat through. As soon as he started performing, people began to leave. They, unfortunately, missed a sneak peek of a song from Plandemic: The Musical, premiering worldwide on October 10.

Rob Schneider abruptly disappeared, and Lara Logan took over emcee duties. Logan used to file reports for CBS News but has now been banned from even the right-wing network Newsmax for, among other things, claiming that world leaders drink children’s blood. Though the rally was about rescuing America, several of the biggest names were not American. Logan is South African. Jordan Peterson, who is Canadian, wore one of his signature two-toned suits (the right half of his suit red, the left half blue). He spoke several times throughout the day, each time rambling longer than the last. One of those times was with Russell Brand, who is British. In what constituted a highlight for this rally, Brand imitated Peterson, who sounds a bit like Kermit the Frog. “Well, it’s not entirely obvious to me what the solution to me is, you know,” Brand said in Peterson’s voice, mocking Peterson’s psychologist-speak.

After The Times of London, The Sunday Times, and Channel 4 published rape and sexual assault allegations against Brand, the comedian found Jesus. Despite being new to religion, Brand is apparently all in. The night before, he had shared on social media a photo of him in his underwear, baptizing another man. At Rescue, he led a prayer and then another prayer.

When Logan introduced Brand, she said, “I want to know if [Brand] is wearing white underwear today.… I’ll let him baptize me if he’ll strip down to his undies.” She repeated her joke when Brand walked on stage.

Yet that was not even the most awkward moment involving Logan. In 2010, Matt Taibbi wrote an article in Rolling Stone titled “Lara Logan, You Suck,” which opened with the line: “Lara Logan, come on down! You’re the next guest on Hysterical Backstabbing Jealous Hackfest 2010!” Logan introduced Taibbi, saying, “I am so proud to introduce him, especially because he’s super nervous backstage. And I have the mic right now, and I can do whatever I want. And he should be nervous!”

Taibbi, who used to write 10,000-word glossy magazine features, trotted out and lectured about cancel culture to a crowd of what looked like fewer than 1,000 people. Taibbi joked that it was every amateur speaker’s dream go on after Brand, but Taibbi’s biggest problem was not that he followed Brand but that his speech sounded like it should be an article. Rescue the Republic is not Rolling Stone, and what makes a good pull quote does not make a good call and repeat.

Taibbi named his enemies, a list that included Craig Newmark of Craigslist, a former Time magazine editor in chief, and the founder of eBay. The audience stood largely silent, until with a glimmer of excitement creeping into his monotone delivery, Taibbi said his personal enemies “should be packed into a rocket and launched into the fucking sun.” The crowd came alive with cheers. I don’t think most people knew whom Taibbi was talking about, but wouldn’t it be fun to send them straight into the fucking sun?

For the right, Taibbi’s value is linked to his ties to the left. Taibbi’s background going after the likes of Goldman Sachs provides cover for the idea that there isn’t a political agenda driving things like the Rescue the Republic rally. Sure, Brand just begged people to vote for Trump, but look: We have someone who used to work for the liberal media here! We’re nonpartisan!

While Taibbi took himself seriously, Jimmy Dore was happy to make himself the butt of jokes. In the mid aughts, Dore had a couple of Comedy Central specials, and made appearances on various late-night shows. Six weeks ago, Dore’s set involved sitting in front of a live audience in Chicago while talking to the bankrupt conspiracy-theorist Alex Jones via Zoom.

Dore spoke at last year’s Rage Against the War Machine Rally and had been a big draw. His jokes were not funny, and his historical facts were wrong. But at Rescue the Republic, I found myself longing for Dore to come on. For all his faults, Dore knows how to talk to an audience, and would at least make a few jokes. Five and a half hours into the rally, Logan announced the next speaker: Vani Hari, “the Food Babe.”

“Where’s Jimmy Dore?” I asked, hoping someone around me would know.

I don’t think anyone was there to see the Food Babe, who was organizing what looked like the contents of a dorm-room pantry on the stage. “M&Ms” Hari yelled, “has 10 artificial dyes made from petroleum! … In the UK, they only use one!”

The Food Babe looked out for a crowd response, but no one seemed to care.

“Let’s talk about Doritos!”

The wind knocked over the boxes of Froot Loops that the Food Babe had brought on stage. By now, I was starving, and I wondered if the wind would blow the snacks into the audience. I moved closer, just in case.

“America’s favorite cookie, Oreos birthday cake, has four artificial food dyes!”

The crowd was silent. Maybe, like me, they were wondering who eats birthday-cake Oreos and were thinking, “There’s no way birthday-cake Oreos are America’s favorite!”

Finally, Dore made his way on stage, and he proceeded to defend Kyle Rittenhouse and whitewash January 6, saying he saw FBI plants on his TV that day. (I was at the January 6 coup attempt—I attended undercover—and I’m very confident Dore is wrong.) He made fun of himself for getting the Covid-19 vaccine and for being a liberal.

“We have to stand up for…pro-Palestinian protesters,” Dore told the audience. This was a controversial statement at a pro-peace rally that had managed to not talk about Israel for six hours. Dore said his “Zionist friends” try to get him to support Israel by pointing out that Hamas doesn’t support gay rights.

“Oh, I guess we should slaughter their children!” Dore laughed.

There was scattered applause, and Dore moved to other topics; he claimed that the establishment hates it when the left and right come together like they were doing right now. Progressives and conservatives share a common enemy: “the oligarchy who did a controlled demolition of our economy during Covid,” he said. Dore told the audience not everyone on the left likes Nancy Pelosi or “Demented Joe” and walked off stage to applause as he shouted, “Fuck the media.”

After Dore retreated backstage, former Fox News host Eric Bolling, the final emcee of the day, came on. He asked the crowd how many people supported Kamala Harris and was met with silence.

“How about Donald Trump?”

Nearly everyone clapped, whooped, and yelled. It was the biggest cheers of the day.