Mitt Doesn’t Think That Nearly Half the People In This Country Are Moochers After All Mitt Doesn’t Think That Nearly Half the People In This Country Are Moochers After All
After weeks of acknowledging only that his “47 percent” remarks were “not elegantly stated,” Mitt Romney now says that they were “just completely wrong.” —News reports He was, he says, completely wrong; To care for everyone is vital. He’s singing now a different song, And “Etch A Sketch” is that song’s title.
Oct 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Romney Outsources His Foreign Policy to the Neoconservatives Romney Outsources His Foreign Policy to the Neoconservatives
“After 9/11, the neocons captured one Republican president who was naïve about the world. Now…they have captured another would-be Republican president and vice president, both jejune about the world.” —Maureen Dowd, The New York Times Advisers to Mitt from the neocon right Believe that America must show its might. Though draft dodgers all, they’re in favor of force— With other folks’ kids on the front lines, of course. Through Romney’s campaign, they have all slithered back— The people who brought you the war in Iraq.
Oct 3, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
I’ve Got the Mitt Thinks I’m a Moocher, a Taker Not a Maker, Blues I’ve Got the Mitt Thinks I’m a Moocher, a Taker Not a Maker, Blues
(Sung by three members of the 47 percent) Well, I work two jobs, and that makes for a kinda long day. And the boss deducts the payroll tax that I’ve gotta pay. With sales tax too, I kinda thought I was paying my dues. I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues. Well, the wife and I took retirement some years ago. And Social Security accounts for most of our dough. Though we contributed to that so we’d have it there to use. I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues. Well, I went to Nam while Mitt went on his mission to France. A buddy needed rescuin’ and I thought, “Well, I’ll take a chance.” A wounded-vet pension’s not the salary that I would choose. I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues. (All, in chorus) Yes, he thinks we’re bums, and work is something we would refuse. Entitlements, he says, are what we just live to abuse. With his fat-cat friends, what he says about us is J’accuse. So some of us moochers would sure like to see him lose. We’ve got the Mitt thinks that we’re moochers, takers and not makers, blues.
Sep 26, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Rallying Cry From the Romney Camp A Rallying Cry From the Romney Camp
“Amid Discord, Romney Seeks to Sharpen Message on His Agenda” —The New York Times We’ve got to go now hell for leather. We’ve got to get our act together, ’Cause even right-wing pundits say That this campaign’s in disarray. With our endeavor such a mess We find it difficult to press Our message that this country needs A man who’s proven by his deeds That he can turn a firm around, That he is someone who’s renowned For skills in management writ large. But wait: that’s who we’ve got in charge.
Sep 19, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Convention Bounce Convention Bounce
From Charlotte, Obama had hoped for a bounce. It came in a way unforeseen: When William J. Clinton had spoken his piece, He’d furnished a strong trampoline.
Sep 12, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Calling In the Humanizer Man Calling In the Humanizer Man
Analysts say that Romney campaign strategists face the challenge of humanizing their candidate. —News reports They’d like it if this man the folks are seeing Resembled more an actual human being. For that he’d need some warmth and shmaltz and soul; Then he’d appear less plastic and more whole. So in their dreams of triumph they aspire To show that their guy bleeds and may perspire, This can be done at once, without delay: The Humanizer Man is on his way. Yes, any candidate with boardlike stiffness Can be adjusted with surprising swiftness. The Humanizer Man’s done this before. Though he fell short of loosening Al Gore, He’s had a host of triumphs in his day. So if Mitt’s men believe, to their dismay, Their man’s as human as a Charolais. No need to cry “¡Caramba!” or “Oy vey!” For everything is going to be OK. To give him hope you only have to say, “The Humanizer Man is on his way.”
Sep 5, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Medicare to the Forefront Medicare to the Forefront
Polls show that Medicare is now the third most vital issue of the campaign, and Paul Ryan’s plan to change it is unpopular with likely voters. —News reports Yes, any talk of Medicare Is almost guaranteed to scare A lot of voters everywhere. Though Medicare, in truth, has ne’er Been short of signs of wear and tear— Its funding source may need repair— Most folks are fierce in guarding their Entitlements, and they declare That any change would be unfair, Would cheat them out of their fair share. So politicians are aware There’s always risk in going there. They keep their distance from that snare. You cannot win the Croix de Guerre By meddling with Medicare. Your fate’s more likely to compare To agonizing mal de mer, A bad encounter with a bear, A trip to the electric chair. So talk of Medicare is rare, But Ryan’s put it in the air. And some Republicans despair.
Aug 29, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Ayn Rand Ayn Rand
(Sung to the tune of “Blue Moon”) Paul Ryan has said that the writings of Ayn Rand were what inspired him to go into public life. —News reports Ayn Rand Because of you I’m now free. Because of what you have taught, I know it’s all about me. Ayn Rand You taught we should be ambitious, And strive to be avaricious, Since money’s truly delicious. And we shouldn’t share a nickel of this money With citizens who can’t prevail. The government is not the Easter Bunny. The poor are weaklings who deserved to fail. Ayn Rand Before you I was immobile But then you taught me to know That being selfish is noble.
Aug 22, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mitt Visits Foreign Lands Mitt Visits Foreign Lands
(And not to hide money) The Mittster, while taking a three-nation swing, Showed talent for saying the very wrong thing. He teed off our English friends lickety-split; The tabloids in London town called him a twit. Apparently having no motives ulterior, He seemed to be calling the Arabs inferior. In English and Arabic venom Mitt bathed. ’Twas only in Poland he came out unscathed. His trip, meant to show foreign-policy cred, Because of Mitt’s gaffes was a model instead Of what not to say when abroad one doth roam. So here’s the consensus: he should have stayed home.
Aug 8, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns Mitt Romney’s Tax Returns
Demands come from left and from right. Mitt Romney, though, says he’ll sit tight. We’ve given you people enough, Says Ann, sounding suddenly tough. Conspiracy theories abound. Mitt’s critics relentlessly pound. Why go through this sort of ordeal? What doesn’t Mitt want to reveal? Some shelters far off from our shore? Well, sure, but there has to be more. And, really, we already know His tax rate is terribly low. Could some corporate losses have meant That one year he paid not a cent? What’s in there to make voters squeal? What doesn’t Mitt want to reveal? What deed was so sleazy that he’ll So desperately try to conceal Exposure with such stubborn zeal? What fiddling did Romney feel Showed even a wealthy big wheel Who feels some gray area’s appeal Is slippery, just like an eel? What doesn’t Mitt want to reveal?
Jul 25, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin