Exit Santorum Exit Santorum
With Rick getting out, the Whack-a-Mole’s over. The last mole’s been whacked, and Mitt is in clover. The clover smells good, but here is the riddle: Can Romney now move it a bit toward the middle? By dropping the wacko-right banner he’s gripping, Will he be accused of more flopping and flipping?
Apr 18, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Republican National Committee Selects a Campaign Slogan The Republican National Committee Selects a Campaign Slogan
Our slogan’s been chosen. We think it’s a hit. We’ll shout from the rafters, “We settle for Mitt!”
Apr 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
End of the Line? End of the Line?
“Sheldon Adelson, the Las Vegas billionaire who has been the biggest backer to a group supporting Newt Gingrich, said this week that Mr. Gingrich had reached ‘the end of his line’ in his bid for the presidency.” —New York Times So Newt’s coming closer to facing defeat? His main sugar daddy’s no longer so sweet. And Newt never was: why, when he had the power Of all of that sugar, he still sounded sour.
Apr 3, 2012 / Books & the Arts / Calvin Trillin
The Situation The Situation
So Mitt’s officially an Etch-a-Sketch, And Rick says JFK’s speech made him retch. Ron Paul’s a ditz, and Gingrich is a letch. Though nets are flung as far as they will stretch, There isn’t any white knight there to fetch. Republicans thus sit around and kvetch.
Mar 28, 2012 / Books & the Arts / Calvin Trillin
On Not Leaving the Field On Not Leaving the Field
Right-wingers who want to be heard Note Newt’s place is solidly third. But if right-wing votes were combined, The front-runner might fall behind. So they say to Newt, “Won’t you go?” And Newt, being Newt, answers no. Newt’s ideological kin Are dreading a moderate’s win. They argue that it would advance The cause if Newt gave Rick a chance To face Mitt not in a duet. And Newt, being Newt, still says nyet. “When England was under the blitz, Did Churchill say, ‘Let’s call it quits’?” Says Newt. “That is not what you see From statesmen like Churchill and me.” “Oh, please, just this once, Newt,” they say. And Newt, being Newt, says, “No way.”
Mar 21, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Republican Finalists The Republican Finalists
Regarding those still in the race And all the sighs they engender, All small-time pols quote Brando now: “I coulda been a contender.”
Mar 14, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Contraception (of All Things) Contraception (of All Things)
Republicans are bashing birth control, As candidates far-rightward scurry. The voters haven’t heard such talk in years. We’re going backward in a hurry.
Mar 7, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
I Thought That I Would Never See a Pol Who Loved the Height of Trees I Thought That I Would Never See a Pol Who Loved the Height of Trees
“I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right height.” —Mitt Romney, in his home state of Michigan Away from here, I find no trees that please— No trees at such a perfect height as these. For me, I cannot ever be at ease With trees that grow no higher than one’s knees Or too tall trees that splinter in a freeze. Wisconsin, sure, has bragging rights on cheese. And California’s rich in Cantonese. And Colorado’s where to take your skis. Connecticut, of course, has Lyme disease. At none of these am I prepared to sneeze. But here we have the perfect height of trees.
Feb 29, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
We Pick Rick We Pick Rick
(A Santorum campaign song, sung to the tune of “I Like Ike,” by Irving Berlin) We pick Rick. Yes, Rick’s with whom we will stick. He’s the guy All over whom we’re swarming. We pick Rick. Though some imply that he’s thick, He well knows There is no global warming. He’ll say on CNN The sins that we must smother. And he can keep those men From marrying each other. We pick Rick ‘Cause he’ll tell liberals real quick What God says No matter if they’re willing: Abortion’s baby-killing. So we pick Rick.
Feb 15, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Romney Says He’s Not Concerned About the Poor Romney Says He’s Not Concerned About the Poor
“The remark about the poor immediately became catalogued in a growing list of awkward comments by Mr. Romney.” —New York Times His profile’s divine. His shoes have a shine; They’re almost as shined as his hair. And voters ignore That seeking Mitt’s core Has failed because nothing is there. So Mitt’s way ahead. The pundits have said That Newt might be almost kaput. But Mitt still might lose If he puts those shoes Much more in his mouth with his foot.
Feb 8, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin