Adelson Adelson
(Sung by Newt Gingrich supporters to the tune of “Edelweiss,” from The Sound of Music) Adelson, Adelson, Your donations do cheer him. We who root For our Newt Smile whenever you shmeer him. Absent your vow That you would endow Newt’s campaign with plenty, Adelson, Adelson, He’d be dead as Pawlenty.
Jan 31, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Two Attempts to Explain the Resurrection of Newt Gingrich Two Attempts to Explain the Resurrection of Newt Gingrich
I. Yes, Newt appeared dead at least twice. If Mitt’s guys were playing it smart, They would have made certain of that By driving a stake through his heart. II. But Newt might have said if they had, Proceed, Mitt. You’ll see I won’t mind it. You’re free to drive stakes through my heart, Except that you’ll first have to find it.
Jan 25, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
An Explanation of Gingrich’s Ad Accusing Romney of Being Able to Speak French An Explanation of Gingrich’s Ad Accusing Romney of Being Able to Speak French
Big Mo is what Gingrich is desperate to stop. He talks of how Romney will flip and will flop. He charges that Romney now goes through contortions To hide being someone who funded abortions And hide that in business wherever he’d roam Some innocent workers would lose hearth and home. There’s no way, Newt says, you can call Mitt a mensch. But what’s even worse is, the man can speak French. Yes, being bilingual is really too much. It shows you’re elitist and way out of touch. Bilingual means speaking one language too many. We’ve voted for leaders who hardly speak any. Republican voters know one thing. It’s this: That ignorance rocks. (It’s sometimes called bliss.) So all Romney-huggers should undo their clench. Mitt Romney’s a menace: the man can speak French.
Jan 18, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt Lays Into Mitt Newt Lays Into Mitt
It’s “pious baloney.” Yes, pious baloney. What Mitt speaks, Newt says, is remarkably phony: His outsider citizen pose is all hooey; He’s hungered for office like Thomas E. Dewey. And what he was doing those years spent at Bain Was not create jobs but cause working stiffs pain. While Newt covers Mitt’s smooth exterior with blotches, Obama’s campaign staff just carefully watches.
Jan 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Automatic Pundit Readjustment After Each Primary Vote Automatic Pundit Readjustment After Each Primary Vote
They’ll picture what we can expect, With certainty in their depictions. But first they’ll erase from their minds Their previous certain predictions.
Jan 4, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Rick Perry Compares Himself to Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow Rick Perry Compares Himself to Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow
So Perry is fond of debates now, He’s calling himself in these rumbles An Iowa caucuses Tebow— Except for how often he fumbles.
Dec 21, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Perils of the Front-Runner in a Horse Race The Perils of the Front-Runner in a Horse Race
Though Romney was leading right out of the gate, He’s also a guy some conservatives hate. But all other entries they managed to find Were scratched from the start or have fallen behind. So now they’ve decided that Newt is a whiz— The horse that they’re backing, corrupt as he is. Thus Gingrich, now galloping (though he’s quite husky), May make Romney look like the late Edmund Muskie.
Dec 14, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Lamentations of the Late-Night Comics Lamentations of the Late-Night Comics
While Jimmy Fallon tears his hair, Bill Maher laments, “It’s just not fair.” Dave Letterman begins to pout. They’ve heard that Herman Cain is out. In common with his late-night peers, Jon Stewart comes quite close to tears, He’d much prefer a case of gout To hearing Herman Cain is out. “The man is threatening our jobs,” Says Leno, as he softly sobs. Colbert is staggering about. He’s heard that Herman Cain is out. They pray together, on their knees: “Could we have Donald Trump back—please?”
Dec 7, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Oh Say, Can You Shop! Oh Say, Can You Shop!
The season’s here. If you’re beset By crippling, horrifying debt, Amassing loads of costly booty Is still your patriotic duty.
Nov 30, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt Gingrich and Freddie Mac Newt Gingrich and Freddie Mac
Lambasting pols who got too close to Freddie, Newt failed to say that he himself already Got Freddie payments that were large and steady. As is his custom, Newt was undeterred. Hypocrisy’s not really what occurred. For Newt we’d need to find a stronger word.
Nov 22, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin