On Bush Breaking His Campaign Pledge To Limit Carbon Dioxide Emissions* On Bush Breaking His Campaign Pledge To Limit Carbon Dioxide Emissions*
Yes, W. once took the view That CO2 is bad for you. He says he's had a turnabout: We make this stuff when breathing out, So dangerous is what it's not. From lobbyists you le...
Mar 22, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
On the White House Dress Code On the White House Dress Code
The President's demanding proper dress-- A tie, a coat, a shine on shoes or boots. Some citizens may find this a relief: We've now returned to government by suits.
Mar 15, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Scholarly Analysis of Dick Cheney’s Role in the George W. Bush Administration A Scholarly Analysis of Dick Cheney’s Role in the George W. Bush Administration
Though Bush the Elder was convinced His boy was now a man, he Decided, just to hedge his bet, To furnish him a nanny. Attentive parents always have A way of keeping tr...
Mar 8, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Democratic Lullaby to Bill Clinton A Democratic Lullaby to Bill Clinton
As Bush finds backs to pat and hands to shake, The Democrats can't seem to buy a break. The opposition doesn't coalesce, Because the spotlight's on the Clinton mess, A ...
Feb 23, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Short Course on Getting a Presidential Pardon While a Fugitive From Justice A Short Course on Getting a Presidential Pardon While a Fugitive From Justice
Apply a little grease (Denise). Then buy yourself an in (Jack Quinn).
Feb 15, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
One Bush Scenario One Bush Scenario
With Democrats he must entice, he Has proven good at making nicey. So now, if everyone relaxes, He'll sharply cut all rich folks' taxes And help the oil biz and tobacco And nominate some right-wing wacko As Justice--qualified, he'll promise, Like Daddy did with Clarence Thomas. The Democrats will fold in batches, And light cigars with White House matches.
Feb 8, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Lessons Drawn From the Marc Rich Pardon Lessons Drawn From the Marc Rich Pardon
As proven by this pardon, Two facts of life prevail: The rich have got the money And everything's for sale.
Feb 1, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Adieu (Sort of) to Bill Clinton Adieu (Sort of) to Bill Clinton
We'd say goodbye to Clinton, Bill, Who always was a rascal, still Accomplished much, before he tripped (He couldn't keep his trousers zipped) And after, too. His gifts were g...
Jan 26, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Only King We Have Is Jesus The Only King We Have Is Jesus
(A newly unearthed gospel song credited to John Ashcroft) As I told the Bob Jones students, Seated white and black apart, This nation is unique, not like the rest. As I faced those godly youngsters, I told them from the heart Just why this land will always be the best: The only king we have is Jesus. And I feel blessed to bring that news. The only king we have is Jesus. I can't explain why we've got Jews. So because our king is Jesus, I'm often heard to say, Our kids should pray to Him each day in class. If some kids just stay silent, That's perfectly OK. But they'll all be given Jesus tests to pass. The only king we have is Jesus. That's the truth we all perceive. The only king we have is Jesus So Hindus may just have to leave. Now Jesus hates abortion, 'Cause Jesus loves all life. They call it choice; it's murder all the same. The killers must be punished-- The doctor, man and wife. We'll execute them all in Jesus' name. The only king we have is Jesus. It's Jesus who can keep us pure. The only king we have is Jesus. And He's Republican for sure. The homosexual lifestyle Could make our Jesus weep. He loathed their jokes about which cheek to turn. Yes, Jesus came to teach us With whom we're supposed to sleep. Ignore that and you'll go to Hell to burn. (Final chorus sung in tongues:) Tron smleck gha dreednus hoke b'loofnok Frak fag narst fag madoondah greeb. Tron smleck gha dreednus hoke b'loofnok Dar popish, flarge dyur darky, hebe.
Jan 18, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
On Passing Up Marc Racicot for Attorney General in Favor of John Ashcroft On Passing Up Marc Racicot for Attorney General in Favor of John Ashcroft
This Racicot seemed like Bush's sort of guy: Pro-life, he thought that killers ought to fry. Though right-wing to the core in many ways, He was, the Christian right said, soft...
Jan 11, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin