A Message From Americans to France A Message From Americans to France
“As French troops intervene in Mali, the French take pride in their military capacity and in their independence of action.” —The New York Times We’re pleased to hear you like to intervene. We praise both your commitment and your style. Ourselves, we’ve wearied of this sort of thing. Perhaps you could take over for a while.
Jan 23, 2013 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Results of a Survey Asking the American People How They Feel About the Unending Discussion of the Fiscal Cliff, the Debt Ceiling, Restructuring Entitlements, Revenue Versus Spending, Etc., Etc., Etc. Results of a Survey Asking the American People How They Feel About the Unending Discussion of the Fiscal Cliff, the Debt Ceiling, Restructuring Entitlements, Revenue Versus Spending, Etc., Etc., Etc.
The subject is vital. We never would doubt it. We’d rather go broke, though, than hear more about it.
Jan 16, 2013 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense The Nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense
Opponents think that Hagel should Be more respectful of Likud. And on Iran, whose nuke we’re battling, He’s shown no zest for saber rattling. The first fight for this loyal lieutenant Won’t be abroad but in the Senate.
Jan 9, 2013 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The ‘New York Post’ Calls Wayne LaPierre a Nut The ‘New York Post’ Calls Wayne LaPierre a Nut
Considering the candidates they’ve backed, So many of whom really seemed half-cracked, It’s obvious—no ifs, no ands, no buts— If even these guys think he’s nuts, he’s nuts.
Jan 2, 2013 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Qualifications to Be Secretary of State, According to Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham Qualifications to Be Secretary of State, According to Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham
Though Condoleezza Rice had once avowed The smoking gun might be a mushroom cloud And thus invasion simply couldn’t wait, She was considered qualified for State. Reciting talking points on Sunday shows This year was quite sufficient to foreclose The chance that Susan Rice would ever lead At State—so Graham and McCain agreed. The senators, when left to their devices Make use of different rules for different Rices.
Dec 19, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Short Message to Those Who Have Signed Petitions Asking to Secede From the Union A Short Message to Those Who Have Signed Petitions Asking to Secede From the Union
We do respect your point of view. We’re glad to see the back of you.
Nov 28, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mitt Romney Explains Why He Lost Mitt Romney Explains Why He Lost
Obama was clever as clever could be; To targeted groups he gave gifts that were free: Say, healthcare for free until age 26, And free contraceptives (for sex just for kicks). Debates in the primaries left our team bruised From harsh accusations the White House then used. Whatever the reason for losing might be, Of one thing I’m sure: it could not have been me. I’m perfect.
Nov 20, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Republican Soul Searching Republican Soul Searching
We’re searching our souls and we’re wondering why We got beat so badly our rivals are gloating. It’s obvious now where our campaign went wrong: We should have prevented more people from voting.
Nov 14, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Democracy Democracy
(A Patriotic Hymn for Republicans) Despite the fact that incidents of in-person voter fraud in the United States are exceedingly rare, the GOP has used the issue to tighten election laws around the country. —News reports American children are all taught in school That voting’s democracy’s most vital tool. But in the wrong hands all that voting can bring A little too much of a very good thing. Yes, too many voters of darker complexion Can cause the wrong person to win an election. And college kids mostly are just in a phase That makes them left wing and supportive of gays. To us, each of them is a dangerous blighter Whose voting should wait till he’s older and whiter. So we put in laws we have reason to think Will mean that the strength of these voters will shrink. We shorten the hours, and ask for a lot Of picture IDs—more than anyone’s got. Their votes aren’t the votes that the framers intended. We only regret that the poll tax has ended. The voting we need in this land of the free Is voting by people with whom we agree.
Nov 8, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Three Republican Candidates Discourse on the Subject of Rape Three Republican Candidates Discourse on the Subject of Rape
(And a fourth remains exceedingly quiet) Legitimate rape, so we’re told by Todd Akin, Will not produce children but simply awaken Defensive biology. That quickly locks The system all down, just as safe as Fort Knox. Joe Walsh says exceptions for “life of the mother” Are phony exceptions, just like all the other Exceptions suggested. Walsh says it’s all jive, Since doctors can always keep momma alive. Now Mourdock says rapists’ seed must be defended. A pity, he says, but it’s what God intended. This absolute stance to which Mourdock still cleaves Just happens to be what Paul Ryan believes. The Rape Science Three can provide more reminders That now Mitt’s got wingnuts in all of those binders.
Oct 30, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin