A Short Message to Those Who Have Signed Petitions Asking to Secede From the Union A Short Message to Those Who Have Signed Petitions Asking to Secede From the Union
We do respect your point of view. We’re glad to see the back of you.
Nov 28, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mitt Romney Explains Why He Lost Mitt Romney Explains Why He Lost
Obama was clever as clever could be; To targeted groups he gave gifts that were free: Say, healthcare for free until age 26, And free contraceptives (for sex just for kicks). Debates in the primaries left our team bruised From harsh accusations the White House then used. Whatever the reason for losing might be, Of one thing I’m sure: it could not have been me. I’m perfect.
Nov 20, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Republican Soul Searching Republican Soul Searching
We’re searching our souls and we’re wondering why We got beat so badly our rivals are gloating. It’s obvious now where our campaign went wrong: We should have prevented more people from voting.
Nov 14, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Democracy Democracy
(A Patriotic Hymn for Republicans) Despite the fact that incidents of in-person voter fraud in the United States are exceedingly rare, the GOP has used the issue to tighten election laws around the country. —News reports American children are all taught in school That voting’s democracy’s most vital tool. But in the wrong hands all that voting can bring A little too much of a very good thing. Yes, too many voters of darker complexion Can cause the wrong person to win an election. And college kids mostly are just in a phase That makes them left wing and supportive of gays. To us, each of them is a dangerous blighter Whose voting should wait till he’s older and whiter. So we put in laws we have reason to think Will mean that the strength of these voters will shrink. We shorten the hours, and ask for a lot Of picture IDs—more than anyone’s got. Their votes aren’t the votes that the framers intended. We only regret that the poll tax has ended. The voting we need in this land of the free Is voting by people with whom we agree.
Nov 8, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Three Republican Candidates Discourse on the Subject of Rape Three Republican Candidates Discourse on the Subject of Rape
(And a fourth remains exceedingly quiet) Legitimate rape, so we’re told by Todd Akin, Will not produce children but simply awaken Defensive biology. That quickly locks The system all down, just as safe as Fort Knox. Joe Walsh says exceptions for “life of the mother” Are phony exceptions, just like all the other Exceptions suggested. Walsh says it’s all jive, Since doctors can always keep momma alive. Now Mourdock says rapists’ seed must be defended. A pity, he says, but it’s what God intended. This absolute stance to which Mourdock still cleaves Just happens to be what Paul Ryan believes. The Rape Science Three can provide more reminders That now Mitt’s got wingnuts in all of those binders.
Oct 30, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Foreign Policy Debate Foreign Policy Debate
Mitt seemed to agree with Obama a lot. Divergence in policy got hard to spot. He used all the moderate words he could muster. So where was the Mittster’s past neocon bluster? He knew that those still undecided would hate it. The answer then is that the Etch A Sketch ate it.
Oct 24, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Simple Guide to Every Single Republican Tax Proposal A Simple Guide to Every Single Republican Tax Proposal
(As verified by 178 independent studies) Sure, sometimes they call it supply-side, And sometimes they say job creation Is risked if our entrepreneurs Think profits get snatched by taxation. It comes to the same simple credo Around which the party has danced: If rich people pay less in taxes, Then everyone’s life is enhanced.
Oct 17, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mitt Doesn’t Think That Nearly Half the People In This Country Are Moochers After All Mitt Doesn’t Think That Nearly Half the People In This Country Are Moochers After All
After weeks of acknowledging only that his “47 percent” remarks were “not elegantly stated,” Mitt Romney now says that they were “just completely wrong.” —News reports He was, he says, completely wrong; To care for everyone is vital. He’s singing now a different song, And “Etch A Sketch” is that song’s title.
Oct 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Romney Outsources His Foreign Policy to the Neoconservatives Romney Outsources His Foreign Policy to the Neoconservatives
“After 9/11, the neocons captured one Republican president who was naïve about the world. Now…they have captured another would-be Republican president and vice president, both jejune about the world.” —Maureen Dowd, The New York Times Advisers to Mitt from the neocon right Believe that America must show its might. Though draft dodgers all, they’re in favor of force— With other folks’ kids on the front lines, of course. Through Romney’s campaign, they have all slithered back— The people who brought you the war in Iraq.
Oct 3, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
I’ve Got the Mitt Thinks I’m a Moocher, a Taker Not a Maker, Blues I’ve Got the Mitt Thinks I’m a Moocher, a Taker Not a Maker, Blues
(Sung by three members of the 47 percent) Well, I work two jobs, and that makes for a kinda long day. And the boss deducts the payroll tax that I’ve gotta pay. With sales tax too, I kinda thought I was paying my dues. I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues. Well, the wife and I took retirement some years ago. And Social Security accounts for most of our dough. Though we contributed to that so we’d have it there to use. I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues. Well, I went to Nam while Mitt went on his mission to France. A buddy needed rescuin’ and I thought, “Well, I’ll take a chance.” A wounded-vet pension’s not the salary that I would choose. I’ve got the Mitt thinks I’m a moocher, a taker not a maker, blues. (All, in chorus) Yes, he thinks we’re bums, and work is something we would refuse. Entitlements, he says, are what we just live to abuse. With his fat-cat friends, what he says about us is J’accuse. So some of us moochers would sure like to see him lose. We’ve got the Mitt thinks that we’re moochers, takers and not makers, blues.
Sep 26, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin