Adieu, Sarkozy Adieu, Sarkozy
We now must bid adieu to Sarkozy He swerved hard to the right, comme Mitt ici (Mais oui: exactement comme Mitt Romnéy), And said austerity is what’s to be. The French apparently did not agree: The voters sent him packing, COD.
May 9, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt Departs From the Island of Poliwonks Newt Departs From the Island of Poliwonks
(The saddest leave-taking since Max left the Wild Things) “Don’t go!” all the poliwonks started to croon. “What other Republican dared to harpoon The Mittster for being a heartless tycoon? Who’s left to start planning a town on the moon, As if he had stepped from the pages of Dune? Who never did hesitate once to impugn The press—his best foil—when it seemed opportune? Oh why, Newt, oh why must you leave us so soon?” But Newt, though quite portly, as well as jejune, Just floated away, like a hot air balloon.
May 2, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Ron Paul, Still Standing Ron Paul, Still Standing
Mitt’s opposite number is still in the race. Paul has his supporters; he has his own base. He has his own style, which is folksy, not canned. Religion? He’s got one. His prophet’s Ayn Rand. By Rand’s wacko theories he’s fervently gripped, So he won’t do flip-flops. He long ago flipped.
Apr 25, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Exit Santorum Exit Santorum
With Rick getting out, the Whack-a-Mole’s over. The last mole’s been whacked, and Mitt is in clover. The clover smells good, but here is the riddle: Can Romney now move it a bit toward the middle? By dropping the wacko-right banner he’s gripping, Will he be accused of more flopping and flipping?
Apr 18, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Republican National Committee Selects a Campaign Slogan The Republican National Committee Selects a Campaign Slogan
Our slogan’s been chosen. We think it’s a hit. We’ll shout from the rafters, “We settle for Mitt!”
Apr 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
End of the Line? End of the Line?
“Sheldon Adelson, the Las Vegas billionaire who has been the biggest backer to a group supporting Newt Gingrich, said this week that Mr. Gingrich had reached ‘the end of his line’ in his bid for the presidency.” —New York Times So Newt’s coming closer to facing defeat? His main sugar daddy’s no longer so sweet. And Newt never was: why, when he had the power Of all of that sugar, he still sounded sour.
Apr 3, 2012 / Books & the Arts / Calvin Trillin
The Situation The Situation
So Mitt’s officially an Etch-a-Sketch, And Rick says JFK’s speech made him retch. Ron Paul’s a ditz, and Gingrich is a letch. Though nets are flung as far as they will stretch, There isn’t any white knight there to fetch. Republicans thus sit around and kvetch.
Mar 28, 2012 / Books & the Arts / Calvin Trillin
On Not Leaving the Field On Not Leaving the Field
Right-wingers who want to be heard Note Newt’s place is solidly third. But if right-wing votes were combined, The front-runner might fall behind. So they say to Newt, “Won’t you go?” And Newt, being Newt, answers no. Newt’s ideological kin Are dreading a moderate’s win. They argue that it would advance The cause if Newt gave Rick a chance To face Mitt not in a duet. And Newt, being Newt, still says nyet. “When England was under the blitz, Did Churchill say, ‘Let’s call it quits’?” Says Newt. “That is not what you see From statesmen like Churchill and me.” “Oh, please, just this once, Newt,” they say. And Newt, being Newt, says, “No way.”
Mar 21, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Republican Finalists The Republican Finalists
Regarding those still in the race And all the sighs they engender, All small-time pols quote Brando now: “I coulda been a contender.”
Mar 14, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Contraception (of All Things) Contraception (of All Things)
Republicans are bashing birth control, As candidates far-rightward scurry. The voters haven’t heard such talk in years. We’re going backward in a hurry.
Mar 7, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin