Break Their Hearts: On Chris Bachelder Break Their Hearts: On Chris Bachelder
In his novel Abbott Awaits, Chris Bachelder employs his comic wackiness to great effect.
Sep 6, 2011 / Books & the Arts / Aaron Thier
So What’s With the Cowboy Boots, Rick? So What’s With the Cowboy Boots, Rick?
You say you’re the real thing from Texas— An Aggie, not someone from Yale. While claiming to be a straight shooter, You plant a boot high on a bale. ’Twas cotton that grew on your farm, Rick. You didn’t grow up on the range. No horses are used to plant cotton, So cowboy boots seem mighty strange. No phony? Then alter your costume. Although they lack cowboy boots’ zing, If you have a sod-buster background, Bib overalls might be the thing.
Aug 31, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Enter Rick Perry Enter Rick Perry
With even more impressive hair than Kerry, At last into the race arrives Rick Perry. Though Perry’s blessed, no doubt, with splendid hair, he Believes some things that strike some folks as scary. Observers down in Texas still are wary. The space between his ears, they say, is airy. But for the pros who count which states he’d carry, What’s there beneath the hair is ancillary.
Aug 24, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Cut, Cap and Balance Cut, Cap and Balance
(A Republican version of “Brush Up Your Shakespeare,” from Kiss Me, Kate) Cut, cap and balance. Just turn off the tap. Cut, cap and balance. Shut that purse up with a snap. Let’s cut wasteful programs in bunches— Like research and poor kids’ school lunches. All life is not really a fed affair, So let’s take a scalpel to Medicare. ’Cause if rich people pay less in taxes We’ll still whip that Evil old Axis. All citizens will be in clover If we just heed the teaching of Grover. Cut, cap and balance. Balance, cut and cap.
Aug 10, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Michele: A Serenade by Iowa Social Conservatives* Michele: A Serenade by Iowa Social Conservatives*
(With apologies to the Beatles) Michele, our belle, Thinks that gays will all be sent to hell. That’s Michele. Michele, our belle, Thinks they’re sick but could be made all well. Yes, Michele. She just needs to turn them toward Jesus. They’re going through a phase That leads to filthy ways. But with her hubby’s help these guys could All be John Wayne. Michele, our belle, Views you have are suiting us just swell. Our Michele. * Yiddish version (sung with schutzpah) titled “We Kvell, Michele.”
Jul 27, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Summary of Public Response to the News That a Tabloid Hacked the Phones of a Missing Girl and of Families of Soldiers Killed in Afghanistan A Summary of Public Response to the News That a Tabloid Hacked the Phones of a Missing Girl and of Families of Soldiers Killed in Afghanistan
All England said, in one voice, “Blimey! Could even Murdoch be that slimy?”
Jul 13, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Republicans Increase Pressure on Chris Christie to Run for President Republicans Increase Pressure on Chris Christie to Run for President
Our candidates don’t measure up. Compared to Chris their thoughts are woolly. Let’s draft him now. It’s obvious That what we need’s a proper bully.
Jun 28, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Pundits Analyze Sarah Palin’s Tour The Pundits Analyze Sarah Palin’s Tour
So Palin’s gone out on the stump. Or is she just a female Trump— A person eager for each mention For purposes of brand extension?
Jun 16, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Dan Sinker: How the Fake Rahm Emanuel Twitter Account Is Influencing the Next Generation of Satire Dan Sinker: How the Fake Rahm Emanuel Twitter Account Is Influencing the Next Generation of Satire
The man behind the @MayorEmanuel Twitter account talks about writing a real-time novel with tweets and how social media networks are ushering in a new generation of satire.
Jun 14, 2011 / The Nation
Contemplating the Republican Presidential Field, Late-Night Comics Lament Contemplating the Republican Presidential Field, Late-Night Comics Lament
So Trump is out. We’ve lost our best buffoon— We’ll surely miss that gaseous air balloon. Oh sure, there’s Newt. Though Newt jokes once were great, They’re getting old. He’s past his sell-by date. Chris Christie was the one we hoped they’d draft. Yes, in our fondest daydreams people laughed As we eyed Christie’s body, fore and aft, Comparing him to William Howard Taft. But Christie has insisted he’ll not run. Is anybody left who’s any fun? Oh Lord, please hear our prayers. We’re on our knees. At least just leave us Sarah Palin—please.
Jun 1, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin